D’ya hear yer man

Some people say Weightwatchers is a great way to lose weight. Others say Slimming World is the best way to drop a few clothes sizes. Yet more people will throw in their tuppence worth and tell you that in order to achieve your optimum physique you need a combination of diet and exercise.

I’d like to recommend a new weight loss regime that I’m currently seeking a patent for. It’s called the Public Transport.

All I ask is that you try public transport just once. I guarantee you’ll be so shocked by the cost that you’ll start walking or cycling instead.

I can’t divulge the exact science behind this revolutionary lifestyle model but I can assure you if you choose Public Transport you will lose pounds of some description.

Occasionally subscribers to Public Transport have been known to fall off the wagon and get into the car. However, the price of petrol and diesel will soon put paid to those indulgences.

Don’t get me wrong. I get a bus or a train nearly every day. I find it very relaxing, but the cost has got beyond a joke. These recent price hikes have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, which is even more infuriating given that I’d considered a camel as an alternate means of transport.

I remember on TV’s Bullseye Jim Bowen used to offer contestants their bus fare home as a booby prize. Nowadays the value of the bus ticket would probably make it a more lucrative prize than the speedboat.

For the price of a single journey on the train from Belfast to Lurgan (£6.60) you could buy a copy of this week’s Lurgan Mail, three first class stamps, a padded envelope and a commemorative Titanic fridge magnet.

What I’m suggesting is you cut out this week’s column, put it in a suitable envelope along with the commemorative Titanic fridge magnet, and post it to someone in the city of Commerce in California, where public transport is free, so they can get a laugh at our expense.

Even if they don’t understand the point you’re trying to make at least they’ll appreciate the commemorative Titanic fridge magnet.

Earbending

Clint’s wife Paula recently bought a new set of earphones which cost £90.

Unfortunately despite the top-of-the-range ergonomic design of these ‘all-singing, all-dancing’ earphones, they didn’t fit Paula’s ears.

Clint, being the kind-hearted guy that he is, softened the blow by taking them off her hands for a cut-price £20.

You’re probably wondering what was so special about these earphones that justified a price of £90. I’m told that the USP (unique selling point) of the earphones was that they allowed you to tune out the frequency of a specific person’s voice. Paula, being a practical kind of gal, had chosen to tune out her husband Clint.

Now everybody at the ‘MAIL’ wants a set.

Ironically when Clint wears the aforementioned earphones he can’t hear himself think.

May I

I really enjoy the start of May. In terms of wordplay it’s a dream for someone like me who enjoys nothing better than to butcher the English language in order to get a cheap laugh.

The first Monday in May is the perfect opportunity to run about waving your arms and shouting, ‘May Day, May Day’.

And then on May 4th, the opportunity presents itself for fans of Stars Wars to greet each other by saying ‘May the fourth be with you’.

The rest of May isn’t much fun for wordplay enthusiasts, but it still wipes the floor with one-dimensional months like February and October.

I’ll leave you with one more interesting fact about May - neither Brian May or James May were born in May, however both use the same conditioner - Loreal Elvive Nutri Gloss.

Weekly teaser

I forgot to include the answer to the previous teaser in the last column. Apologies to those of you who have been on tenterhooks for a fortnight. I can now reveal the nationality of someone born in Dubai is Emirati (plural Emiratis).

Here’s this week’s teaser: A wicked king calls a peasant before him and gives him an ultimatum. He tells the peasant that if he tells the truth he will be hanged and if he tells a lie he will be shot. What does the peasant say to ensure he doesn’t die at the hands of the wicked king?